hmm. maybe the title of this caught you off guard. i don’t really care.
this week has been an off week. tonight is the second night of me being sober. i haven’t been sober for 3 days. reason for that is depression. i have been struggling with depression for several years. over the past 3 years it has gotten worse. in 7th grade several days after my 13th birthday i cut my wrist on purpose. at first it was just to see how it felt it later became an outlet for when i couldn’t deal with things that were happening around me. i have attempted suicide maybe around 4 times. i have hung myself, cut my wrists, attempted to overdoes, and drink till i’m really sick. recently i’ve been drinking a lot. i’ve been drinking puerto rican rum. at the moment there’s a water bottle that’s half full with the stuff. tonight i tried overdosing again with Advil. i took 4 but stopped. i’m fine but if i ever were to succeed i want the people i mainly care about to have letters addressed to them. i’ll have them write at the end of this post and they will be posted here. on my body there is over 26 scars some are not visible anymore but i know there there. i’ve cut myself during school. teachers never notice the blood leaking thru my shirt, jacket, or anything. my mother noticed my scars. when she introduces me to one of her friends she says “This is brittany my white girl. oh don’t forget she cuts herself” then she proceeds to grab my arm and show them my scars or something along those lines. my grandmother, grandfather, father and rest of my family have yet to notice. the only time they notice is when i have a mental break down and i’m crying my eyes out. they notice then cause i head straight to where we keep the knives. that’s when they notice. they stop me of course. but they never notice the scars on my arm. i’m kind of happy they don’t. once a teacher noticed but that’s only cause i was going to be arrested but i wasn’t thank god for that. i still cut to this day. i have friends and a boyfriend who used to cut or still cut. i may only be 14 but i’ve experienced and heard more than my fair share of things. i guess i should write the letters incase i decided to go through with suicide one day.
Jilian,
You’ve been nothing but a great friend. i’m sorry for putting you through something like this. At this time i need you to be the strong willed girl i know you are. You are an amazing girl. You have listened to my problems when i need you to even if it’s 3am. you have always had my back and i know you’ll even have my back now. i’m gone now sweetie. don’t forget me. hold me close to your heart. my worst fear at this point is to be forgotten. so remind everyone that i’m still with you guys even if i’m not. i’ll always love you kitten. you were the first girl i ever loved and kissed. i thank you for everything you did for me and i’m sorry for putting you through this.
~Brittany
Ivonne,
we’ve been thru so much together. we’ve made so many memories. some good and some bad but that was our relationship as best friends and snickerscracktwins. i need you to do me one thing. get along with michael. even if i’m not there to see it i want you to love. i’m sorry for putting you through a lot of shit and i’m sorry for all those times michael called you at 3am cause i was crying. ivonne i was glad you chose me to be part of your life. i love you twin
~Brittany
Kyle,
the sex kitten. I love you. i know i promised i won’t do anything but baby it got real hard and i’m so sorry. i know i hurt you really bad by doing this and i’m sorry. i’ll always be your naughty teacher and you’ll always be my best friend. i want to say this for the last time. kyle i love you soo much i always have ever since the first time we talked i had a little crush on you and the first night i texted you i was happy. you have given me soo many happy memories and i’m happy to be the first girl you have liked in a long time. kyle you made my life a lot more interesting. kyle i was soo in love with you and i know you love me too. when i heard you were dateing jamie i was shocker but i couldn’t say mad at you cause i loved you. kyle, baby, i need you to stay strong. im watching over you. when ever you need me just remember me. please don’t ever forget me kyle. that’s all i ask of you.
~Brittany
Michael,
right now i’m on the phone with you while writing this. i feel bad about me crying into the phone. we’ve been dating since 12/21/08. i love you please don’t forget that. also please don’t chase after me. i’m dead. you deserve a better girl. some one who didn’t have as many problems as i did. someone who lives close to you. someone who could comfort you while your going through this. i’m extremely sorry for doing this to you but it had to be done. it was to much trouble living. i hope you can understand that. the last thing i ask of you is to not doing anything stupid. but since i know you to well i know you’ll try something. so i’m asking you in advance not to do it. for your dead girlfriend don’t do it. i still love you even though i’m dead. i probably always will. but if you try to die to i’ll drag your ass back to life and haunt you. again i’m going to say you deserve better. i’m sorry and i will always love you michael dodge.
~Brittany
