Why am i doomed to repeat everything?
whenever i have something good going for me i ALWAYS end up fucking it up. The blog just ended up fucking everything up even faster. It felt good getting everything off my chest but I can’t deal with the fall out. it’s too much.
Jilian i know michael will only give em so many chances. I’m lucky he’s given me so many.
My mind works weird. Michael’s hurt me already. i hurt him too but since i’m such a fucked up kid i figure hurt him before he hurts me. Michael i know you’ll never hurt me unless it’s for my own good but i’ve been hurt soo much in my short life that i can’t help but hurt you. I’m extremely sorry for that. you deserve better but i can’t be better. i’ve given you soo many chances to leave me yet you haven’t i don’t understand that.
Have you ever cheated? Now i can say yes, it was fun messing around with someone just for fun not having to expect a relationship from it but in the end it wasn’t worth it. It fucked up my life. Now I feel like crying but i can’t cause there’s no more tears to cry. There’s no one to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay. It’s not going to be okay it will never be okay. i cheated. Twice. i deserve nothing. i deserve to die. i hate when people cheat. i could never understand why and i still don’t. for me it just sort of happened and now i wish it didn’t cause i may loose the only good stable thing in my life.
one thing i forgot to mention is that a girl who raised me named Christen is in Connecticut. She’s white trash now. her parents fear her sister amber might turn out to be like christen so they’re homeschooling her and have cut off most of her connection to the outside world. I’ve known amber since she was born and i fear for her well being but she’ll just have to deal with it cause i can’t do anything for her.
Also my cousin is going to have heart surgery. his heart is too big and his veins surrounding the heart are too small to support it. so the doctors are going to take a vein from his leg and use it for his heart. it’s a very risky surgery and he might not make it.
I’m really fucked up cause i could care less if he makes it or not. i know i’m going to hell for saying that. but really don’t. i only see him once a year and every time i see him he always has to start shit with me. so i don’t care if my 9 year old cousin xaziver lopez dies.
i don’t care if i drop dead one day. i would gladly love to. Every things just so fuck up. for this point there’s no where to go but down. i don’t want to hear how wrong i was doing everything. i know it’s wrong what i did but frankly i don’t give a shit. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore……..
i just give up……..
