I hung up. This was the fifth time I tried calling her with no response. I take a look at the snowing falling on the cold October night. I look at the clock and decide to go see her. I missed her. I grab my coat along with my keys. I glance at my wallet deciding to bring it incase she wanted to go out. I slide on my shoes and a hoodie along with the coat and head down the hall to the kitchen.

“Mom, I’m heading over to Lisa’s.”

“Ok sweetie. Don’t be out to late and if you’re sleeping over call me.”

She hands me the keys and I’m out the door. I’m walk through the snow trying my best not to slip and fall. Once in the car i turn on the heat and head to Lisa’s; singing to our favorite song. Just as the song finishes I smell smoke. That’s when I notice the smoke is coming from Lisa’s block.

My heart stop for a minute as I drive down the street. A burst of flames comes from the house. It takes me a second to realize it was Lisa’s house on fire. In less then a minute I’m out the door and running to the front door. It’s only when an officer stops me that I see the cop cars and fire trucks.

“Sir, I can’t let you go any further.” The officer looks at me seriously.

“That’s my girlfriend’s house! You have to let me through!”

“Sir, no one is dead. Please calm down.”

“Don’t tell me to fucking calm down! That’s my fucking girlfriend’s house!”

I see Lisa’s parents and look around for her. Flames leaked through the front window of your bedroom. Paramedics rush out of the house with a stretcher. I push paste the officer and run to the stretcher.

“Lisa!”

Her parents are crying and i can feel the panic rising in me. I take Lisa’s hand and kiss it.

“Lisa, Baby, everything is going to be ok. Don’t leave me now. Please I’m not ready for that. Please Lisa don’t go.”

My hands are shaking and she opens her eyes and looks at me. She smiles at me.

“Alex, don’t wait for me.”

I stare into her her eyes as the paramedics started working then her hand got weak and her eyes closed.

“Lisa! Baby please open your eyes! Please!”

Her moms sobs get louder and i can feel the tears slide down my cheeks as the paramedics try their best to bring her back but i knew those were the last words she would ever say to me. I curse loudly. The paramedics give up.

“We did all we could. She’s dead.” The paramedic says the sadness so apparent in hi voice.

“Baby please open your eyes.” My voice cracks and I move her hair from her face. I lean down kissing. Her skin was so cold.

“Lisa please! I love you. Lisa come back!” I’m sobbing now. I only know this cause my whole body is shaking. I feel hand on my body pulling me away forcing me to let go of her limp body and it seems like everything is moving slow motion.

“NO!” I didn’t realize the scream came from me.

The person sits me in a police car and takes my keys. Some one drive my car to my house following the car I’m in. The pair of hands lends me into the house where my mother is standing the doorway crying. The hands pass me to my mother who leads me upstairs. I go into my room and strip down and crawl into bed.

I wish this day would’ve never happened.

————

The next few days passed in a blur. I stay in bed with my mother stopping in trying to get me to eat but I can’t. I close me eyes and I still feel Lisa’s arms around me. Her soft kisses on my skin that made me fly. The beating of her heart in tune with mine. I can still hear the soft words she would say to me that made me love her so much.

The day of the funeral I get up and slide a pair for my black skinnies and a black button up shirt. I reach over to grab my cell phone and try not to look at the little black box next to it. I was going to purpose. Lisa was all I ever dreamed of in a girl and now she’s gone. I flinch at the word gone.

The ride there is silent. The funeral seems to pass in blur like the past few days the only time it slows is when I’m standing looking at Lisa’s body. She was beautiful in life and in death. My fingers ghost over her cold cheek and then I walk away. Her parents hug me.

After the funeral my parents take me out to eat. I order a soda.

“You don’t have to go to school tomorrow if you don’t want to.” My mom says as she rest her hand on top of mine. My eyes look up at my parents.

My parents have never been the same since Daniel died. Daniel was my older brother. A year ago me and him got in a fight and he left the house. A couple days later a police officer showed up up. I remember running down the stairs hoping it was Daniel. I wanted to say sorry. I remember hearing mom sobbing in Dad’s chest. Daniel had committed suicide.

Ello loves
so i’m going to rant/talk about this kid named robert.
he’s number 6 on the list. the guy i’m fighting with whose really important to me.
so i met Robert back in march and we flirted. he was dating someone. they broke up. he wouldn’t date me but he liked me. there’s our whole how we are put out there.
me and robert like each other and nothing further than that.

so lately i started liking jilian again. robert was the first one i told (well i didn’t tell he guessed.). he sorta teased me about it and stuff. he added jilian on myspace and jilian asked me about him. he asked for her number and she gave it to him. jilian showed me the text messages he sent which were like “hey sexi” and stuff.
my question calling some one baby, sexi, mi amor, babe and all that; doesn’t it count as flirting?
so i texted him. here’s the exact conversation straight from my phone
b is me
r is him

B:you get me so mad sometimes
R: why
b: you know i like jilian and youre flirting with her >_<
r: im not
b:
r: bufff
b:you know you're flirting. you flirt with everyone
r: im not i just call her baby! that no flirt idiot
b: dont call me an idiot
r: because ur jealous!! and she doesnt like you!
b: she doesnt like you either! asshole!
r; i dont like her idiot i have gf!
b: what ever
r: lalaal jelous jelous hahah
b: fuck you
r: okay go to the hell! idiot
b: leave me alone then. i hate you
r: whatever!
b: fuck you!
r: u to hahaha
b: why are you so mean to me. im ganna cry
r: idc ur the one is pissed me off
b: well im sorry
r: okay bye
b: bye

so yea. i miss him so much and i want to text him but he’ll just yell. what should i do?

So hey guys.
remember me?
The chick with all the problems.
well i’m back. but with more problems.
let’s list them.

1. I have bipolar disorder
2. I have a new boyfriend that isn’t kyle west.
3. kyle’s dying
4. my grandma hates me
5. i’m a mental case
6. i’m fighting with a guy whose really important to me
7. i’m falling behind in my class work

there’s more. i just can’t remember them now.
hopefully i’ll start blogging more.
who knows.
if i do i’ll talk about all my problems going on. maybe i’ll update once a week.
hmm
well that’s all for now

SEE YOU LATER SKATERZ

so i’ve been thinking. like really thinking.
today i’m depressed so i’m thinking way more than i should. my thoughts are just everywhere.

anyways i’m going to try to sum up what i’ve been thinking deeply about.
1. Kyle
2. friends
3. me
———————————————-
1. i’ve been thinking about me and kyle’s relationship. i’ve told him how i feel and all. it’s just weird i can’t get him off my mind. he’s like my disease but i don’t want to get rid of him. kyle is part of me just as i am a part of him. he says he loves me an can’t live without me. i love him and can’t live without him either. i want to fall asleep in his arms every night like we used to. i want to be able to mess around with everyday. i want to be with him. i’ve told him everything i’m writing here. we could mess around and i could sleep in his arms but shawnzy and tristian are a couple now and they use the phone to talk to eachother everyday. i just sit and smile because i’m happy for shawnzy and tristian. they really love eachother. i don’t complain tristian deserves to be happy. i’m just happy knowing kyle loves me.

2.i can sit in the morning and listen to my friends and never really know what they’re talking about. i’m just sort of detached. i care and all it’s just don’t know anything anymore. i know it’s partly my fault cause i just stopped talking to them less and less. i sit there and pretend i’m listening but i’m really just thinking about how i have no idea what’s going on anymore. i’ve just shut off to everything. ivonne, brooke, jilian have changed so much. i watch them with shaky hands imagining the places they will go. i can smile because they will be great women when they find where they fit into to the great puzzle called life. they will be able to create their own happiness. they’re changing and growing. my hands will stop shaking when i see that they are ready to face the world and who knows maybe i’ll have some little attachment and i can watch them be the amazing women they are and maybe be apart of it.

3. i’ve been thinking about myself a lot. what’s the big picture for me? well when i think about it. i have no big picture. the big picture i see is a nice little funeral or just nothing. i’m not going anywhere. i’m just here. when i grow i want to be….. i have no clue at all. i would love to go to an art college but being an artist i wouldn’t make any money. so i chose medical school because you can make a decent amount of money. but medicine is not my passion. i love writing, drawing, photography, and making videos. my passion is in the arts. but in the big picture money is all that matters. plus i know i will never get into any meds school or art school. i’ll probably work at hot topic or somewhere during the day then go party at night. plus since i know myself i’ll probably get involved in drugs. listen to me telling how i think my future will be. funny things is i actually believe will be like this. i have no ambition for anything i’m doing right now (other than photography, drawing and videos). i just seem to be floating through everything. i’m doing my work and painting on my best fake smiling fooling everyone one into thinking i’m ok. it’s tiring. smiling and saying i’m ok when really all i want to do is go home turn on music, fill the tub with warm water, full my body with pills then get in the water and make cuts on my veins and close my eyes as the bleed leaks out and i leave the world. that doesn’t sound too bad right now really but i want do it. i have things i need to do before i do that. so there i went again showing how fucked up my train of thought is. i’m just a lovely person aren’t i?

i’ll be going now. thankies for reading.

this music scream the disemboided lies of a thousand broken hearts just waiting fro thier story to be told. who knows maybe one day thier story will be told.
~Brittany Untitled

Winning.
Winning may be great but think about think about it. does winning really mean something? yeah you beat someone or something but for what? a few minutes of fame or a few minutes feeling good about what you did. yeah it may feel good for that moment but there are consciences for every action. you may not like the consciences but you must face them. Because winning always cost you something important. you may not realize it at first but later you will notice what you lost.

Losing
when you’re losing you are not really losing. yes losing may suck but you will have to deal with it. losing just makes you a strong person. Even if losing means you lose something close to you, you will realize that losing has just made you stronger, tougher, smarter. losing will leave scars, reminders of your loss, reminders that you did not win that fight, reminders of your misery, reminders of your struggle, reminders of time you will never get back, reminders of tears you shed, reminders of the blood you lost, reminders of everything. losing can only make you stronger.

Life
Life has many struggle. life IS a never ending struggle. Life is a battle. life is a never ending battle. Life is a game. The heart beating in your chest is a reminder that your are alive. even if you feel you are dead that heart beating in your chest is proof that you are alive. somedays you may feel alone, feel that you are nothing, feel that you are not loved, you are depressed, you will feel that you are not needed. but you can feel happy, loved, and so much more. Life is a dream. life is complicated and some days you will want to give up but remember some one cares. even if they don’t show it they’re thinking of you. yeah it may not be the way you want to be thought of but some one somewhere is thinking of you.

Death
Death is sad but to may people its an end to a struggle. it represents happiness to some people. an end to a struggle, battle, game. a heart beat. death can be seen as an escape. an escape into a place of no return. where you do not have to worry about anything. where that stupid heart of yours does not exist. its ceased its beating. grief follows with any one’s death. it may not come right away but it’s there. it’s that ever present feeling lingering in the air. death is the ever lingering feeling in the air. the feeling that at any moment you or the any one near you will die.

Me
i have had my fair experience of winning, losing, life and death. i have been on the edge of death. overdosing, slitting my wrist, hanging myself, surgery, and jumping in front of cars. my most recent attempt left me in hot pink water, wrists bleeding out. the blood was proof of my life. i leaned my head back and closed my eyes. descending into a black oblivion. not feeling anything. i was only a woken by the cry of my dearest friend. he stood over me yelling “don’t go yet! i need you! if you love me you would stay alive! if you won’t live for me live for kyle! think of what you’re doing to him! you’re killing him brittany! if you love him you, would live brittany! he loves you! don’t throw that away! Kyle loves you brittany! He loves you so fucking much!” at that point the memories i had of kyle played behind my closed lids then the final one kyle slitting her wrists so he could be with me. i cried. i cried so much. i could never hurt kyle. he means so much to me and tristian made me realize i was going to give up someone who die for me. i was going to have the kid i love kill himself. i told kyle what happened later that night. he just held me and said “brittany i love you so much. if you would have died i would have killed myself. i can’t live without you. you’ve always been there for me. without you i don’t know what i’d be. you’re like the other half of me. i wish i could protect you better. i wish i could love you better. you mean so much to me. you always will have part of my heart and you always will be part of me. sweetie if you need anything just tell me. i’ll always be here for you. i love you.”

all i can say is life is a gift that can be really messed up and complicated but when you look back there will always be something to smile about.
Dedicated to Kyle Carter West. The boy who holds my heart and will always be there for me. i love you kyle and one day i’ll pay you back for everything you have done for me

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